The former winner of the Route du Sud, the Coors Classic, and two stages of the Dauphiné Liberé was next seen racing laps around Regent’s Park on a team issue LAB71 Cannondale SuperSix EVO. UCI records show that JV officially joined our WorldTour roster, starting today, April 1st.

We caught up with JV at Poilâne in Chelsea, where he was wolfing down his third croissant.

“These bikes are fast!” JV said as he caught his breath. “Call me a fool, but I think I can still show a whippersnapper like Rui Costa a thing or two. Markel Beloki was born two years after I retired. What could he know about cycling? When I set the record up Mont Ventoux, I wasn’t sitting there calculating my watts. We just chucked it into the big ring and suffered. Modern cycling needs more of that.”

JV admits that he won’t be ready for the Tour of Flanders, or Paris-Roubaix. He has sworn off red wine and booked a trip to Girona for a two-week training camp with Team EF Coaching. If he stays away from the restaurants, he thinks he can be in form for the Ardennes. Sorry, Ben, Richie, and Neilson. JV is going to be our captain at Liège-Bastogne-Liège.

“Back in the day, we had to ride to Bastogne and back both ways in a snowstorm,” JV said. “These young riders have gone soft. I’m going to show them how it’s done. From now on, if anyone uses the little chainring on La Redoute, they are fired. And we’re riding straight blocks – 11-22. Nowadays you even get a 22! With this comeback, I’m going to show everyone that we middle-aged men in Lycra have still got it!”

[Dear UCI legal department: are contracts signed between the same person valid, or was this an April Fools?]